‘I have to admit, this is brilliant. It’s clearly designed as a web meme. I have seen no commercials on TV for it, nothing on the radio; just ads on various high-profile websites. I never poke around flash-driven websites, yet I found myself enthralled. The commercial vignettes are damn funny, too. There’s a "Galaxy Quest" feel to them, and that’s not a bad idea at all.
Not that I believe aliens are abducting cows: like I’ve been saying for years, why keep repeatedly traveling thousands of light years to excoriate a few cow anuses at a time, when you can do it just once and clone all the cow anuses you need at home?’
March 21st, 2006 at 1:24 am
Herockan, herockan, herockan !
March 21st, 2006 at 5:07 am
Without wanting to detract from the humour of your piece, and also without wanting to sound too much like a conspiracy theorist loon (even though I probably am one), it seems pretty clear to me that cattle abduction/mutilation is perpetrated by people here on Earth.
The fact that it is the parts of the digestive tract, (i.e. lips, jaw, oesophagus, bowel and anus) and reproductive system (which tends to retain heavy metals and other contaminants) which are taken suggests strongly that this is public health monitoring exercise.
Cattle mutilation only ever occurs close to military testing grounds and bases in North America. I think it is unlikely that the US government is always totally truthful about past disasters, nerve agents spills and naive testing of extraordinarily powerful classified weapons.
Cattle mutilation serves two purposes. It clears people off potentially harmful land (whilst simultaneously discrediting them and silencing their protests as they quietly go out of business) and it serves as an environmental monitoring system.
Farmers are on record as saying that they believe that helicopters are used to both remove the beasts to the lab, and replace them once sampled. Bones are often broken as if the beast has been dropped from height as the bodies are dumped. Witnesses have also seen helicoters rigged with weird flashing lights in a crude UFO disguise.
All the best
March 21st, 2006 at 6:01 am
Anybody else remember the movie Sneakers, where Dan Aykroyd plays the conspiracy nut? “But the key meeting took place July 3rd, 1958, when the Air Force brought the space visitor to the White House for an interview with President Eisenhower. And Ike said, ‘Hey look, give us your technology, we’ll give you all the cow lips you want.’”
March 21st, 2006 at 8:13 am
In space no one can hear you MOOH!
March 21st, 2006 at 8:14 am
Don’t worry, Filter, you’re ADDING to the humor of the piece.
“Farmers are on record as saying that they believe that helicopters are used to both remove the beasts to the lab…”
And it would make sense to use a helicopter because, you know, leading a cow off the property into a trailer would attract way too much attention.
“Witnesses have also seen helicoters rigged with weird flashing lights in a crude UFO disguise.”
That’s about as crude as you can get if it still just looks like helicopter with a bunch of lights. Were there cows dangling from them? Just askin.
March 21st, 2006 at 10:55 am
I’ve seen a TV commercial that goes along with this ad campaign, Phil. Sometime in the last two weeks … I don’t recall much about the ad; I wouldn’t remember it at all except that my wife and I had a short discussion about whether there is a connection with this website:
http://www.cowabduction.com/
March 21st, 2006 at 11:18 am
It’s clearly a preemptive military strategy. They need to mutilate cattle anuses here, so that they don’t have to mutilate them there. The milk insurgency must be crushed before it spreads through the galaxy.
March 21st, 2006 at 11:51 am
Clearly, you don’t get diverse genetic samples from a single cloned cow anus.
March 21st, 2006 at 12:39 pm
I saw one of the segments on TV last night.
March 21st, 2006 at 3:34 pm
Mmmmm…. Cow anus…..
March 21st, 2006 at 8:45 pm
i swear i recently heard about a study that cast doubt on the milk/calcium intake = strengthened bones connection. is the timing coincidental?
March 22nd, 2006 at 10:38 am
A point of clarification, aiabx: does “cloned cow anus” refer to the anus of a cloned cow, or a cow’s anus which has, itself, been cloned?
March 22nd, 2006 at 10:51 am
The timing is NEVER coincidental…there are too many flunkies out there w/marketing degrees, and too many stats nuts who read poll numbers. There are no dummies in space, just cow anuses…what if the ufo’s are rigged to look like clumsily-disguised helicopters?
March 22nd, 2006 at 11:44 am
Too bad that:
1) I have dial-up.
2) I don’t have the patience to wait for it to download.
March 22nd, 2006 at 4:13 pm
Who needs to clone? Aliens can breed them. Although it might take them to figure out how to care for them. If you wanted to clone a cow. You would have to make sure that you got the perfect cow. How could aliens figure that out with enough time?
March 22nd, 2006 at 4:32 pm
Thanks, Phil! I haven’t seen the word “excoriate” used in a long time. Personally I would have chosen “excise” in that instance, but it is fun to see an old friend of a word that hardly ever gets to see the light of day!
Though we eschew obfuscation, specificity over speciosity every time!
March 23rd, 2006 at 8:59 am
You want cow patties with that?
Ivan……………………..and I grew up on dairy-farms??!!
March 23rd, 2006 at 11:47 am
A) 1) they come back because, for some reason, cow anus can’t be cloned; and
2) they (cow anus) have a short shelf life.
B) I could go into a rant about milk and slaughter houses – but I won’t. Just consider this word: parasite.
C) There is evidence that eating meat (any kind) causes our bones to release calcium, thereby creating a vicious (vicious, I tell you) cycle of steak/milk/burger/milk . . . . The insurgency continues.
March 24th, 2006 at 9:04 am
Maryv:
Yeah, just LOOK at all those boneless carnivores running around,,,
Gary 7