I can haz murder?

By Phil Plait | February 7, 2009 8:36 am

I knew it!

Is your cat plotting to kill you?

This began right after we got Canises Major and Minor. She’s been planning this for quite some time.


Comments (43)

  1. davidlpf

    I thought cats were burglars not murderers.

  2. My cat is definitely not trying to kill me. She considers me beneath contempt and any attempt on my life would imply that my existence or lack thereof made some difference in the world.

  3. PJE

    You need to sign up for a dating service to see the results of this quiz…don’t think my wife would like that very much…


  4. Savino

    Ok, 87%!
    Should I get worried?

  5. BoneheadFX

    98%. I am doomed.

  6. Sili

    Canis is 3rd declension (female); it should be Canes Minor & Major.

    This is why I don’t have a catflap. If Dummkatz kills me, he’ll starve (once he’s done eating me, of course).

  7. fred edison

    I’m not worried about my furry little girl doing anything rash, nor should you. Who would change the stinkin’ litter box on a regular schedule, and serve them daily good food and fresh water? Cats aren’t that ignorant. They value their personal maids and butlers. :-)


    This is why, human…
    funny pictures of cats with captions
    more animals

  9. People as safe as long as cats need to be cared for. Once cats learn how to domesticate chimpanzees, we’re all doomed.

  10. Gary Ansorge

    “When you feed a dog, it thinks you’re god. When you feed a cat, it thinks IT’S God,,,”.

    Fortunately, until some brilliant gene engineer creates functional opposable thumbs on cats, they’ll still need us to open their cans of tuna,,,

    Gary 7

  11. PJE, I didn’t need to sign up for anything to see the results. Did you miss a “skip this” button, or did they change things since I drafted this post?

  12. Canis is 3rd declension (female); it should be Canes Minor & Major.

    Came in here to say this; glad to see I’m not the only Latin classification nerd.

    Good show, sir and/or madam.

  13. “Skip This Button” at the bottom right PJE

    I had to do my test based on my long passed away kitteh, but I was disturbed to discover that there was a 93% chance she was plotting to kill me

  14. JackC

    78%. Ours is still a kitten. Hasn’t gotten the World Domination syndrome yet. That will come probably just after Monday when THE trip to the vet is scheduled…


  15. “That will come probably just after Monday when THE trip to the vet is scheduled…”

    Does your kitten know this? Make sure your bedroom door is firmly locked or else you’ll be killed in your sleep.

  16. I have to seriously doubt this quizz. I don’t have a cat, and answered the quizz’s questions as such. (“How often does your cat give you the evil eye?” – never, since I don’t have one). Yet my non-existent cat has 67% chance of plotting to kill me. Hm.

  17. PJE

    Apparently I was distracted by flashing lights, shiny objects and so forth. I’ll try the quiz again. Thanks


  18. PJE

    There…only 85% chance that my cats are trying to kill me. One certainly has more evil tendencies than the other…


  19. twilightened

    Must have something to do with toxoplazma, may be.

  20. Cusp

    I haven’t got a cat – and don’t want one – they are manky.

  21. Mark

    NMONNET wrote:
    “I don’t have a cat, and answered the quizz’s questions as such. […] Yet my non-existent cat has 67% chance of plotting to kill me. Hm.”

    Yes, they’re sneaky that way.

  22. Rik

    mine are at 96%. i knew they were plotting against me. i’m doomed.

  23. Cameron
  24. Mena

    Only a 74% chance, but they didn’t ask about digging on the quiz. She loves to do that so much that she has a covered litter box. Not for her privacy but for keeping the litter in the box. She is also glad that she has taken to scratching at the sides of it on the way in and on the way out as well. I really do think that may increase my chances of meeting a cat related demise to 94%.
    Did anyone click on this?

  25. Buzz Parsec

    Not only does my brother’s cat have 91% chance of killing me before I leave Tasmania the day after tomorrow, but I also only have a 13% chance of surviving a bear attack when I get home.

    BTW, BA, do you need a pic of DFTS in Tassie?

  26. Richard

    Ah, I’m relatively safe, only an 80% chance.


    She’s a handful, though.

    Oh, and her name is “Zombie.”

    Hmm, now that I think about it, she often eats my hair. Nah, ain’t no bad intentions, there.

  27. The Ill Tempered Klavier

    I came home a couple of years ago to find the following on my answering machine:

    Meow. Cliche I know, but I am a cat. I normally wouldn’t bother with this accursed instrument, but none of my humans seem to be around right now. (Unreliable breed, can’t for the lives of me think why I started raising them.) Since you must be a human (No cat would stoop to using one of these things.) and thus couldn’t possibly want anything of interest to me, I’ll start a recorder so you can tell mine whatever trivial nonsense you want. (pause) (beep) If you haven’t left your message, you had your chance. That’s my dinner. Ta ta. (click)

    C. C. yawned at me from her window seat, then turned back to watching the bird feeder outside. I don’t know what had been in the microwave, but I had the devil’s own time scrubbing the splatter out.

  28. Kyle

    I for one do not think my cat is planning on killing me, 78%, for she clearly loves to snuggle at night. Without me she wouldn’t have that extra warmth up here in Jackson, WY to stay warm during the winter. She greets me at the door every night and runs to the bedroom to get some serious rubbing and ….gaaa ARGHHHHH (slice slash chew-chew) MEOW MEOW……..

  29. Robert Krendik

    Blast, too big, How do I delete?

  30. Hal's Dave

    91% eeeeek, Im so dooomed

    Sidenote: got a kitten that is strangely fascinated by the toilet when it flushes 😐

  31. quasidog

    I knew I hated cats for a reason 😛 Dogs ftw !

  32. Quiet Desperation


    It’s actually the reputation of cats as cold hearted (yet fuzzy) killers that makes me like them. :-)

  33. Only 80%…what are you doing wrong? Heck, I got 93% and that was just for *one* of my four cats! Heck, I’m lucky I’ve lived long enough to type this mes….

  34. Bein'Silly

    So BA you do have two dogs & one cat?

    Here’s a tip to save your life – try pushing the IAU for them to restore the constellation of Felis! 😉

    Yes that’s a real one – albeit long denied official status. Lalande came up with Felis back in the something hundreds .. He’d included it as a joke to let his kitty scratch the sky – it obviously needed something other than his curtains and furniture too! 😉

    Only seems fair theres four dogs in the sky already -CanisMajor, Minor and the two “Hunting dogs” of Canes Venatici. ‘Bout time a cat got put up there too! 😉

  35. LarryD

    My thoughts exactly . I always feel My Miss Kitty looks at me as her next meal .


  36. Grand Lunar

    85% chance for my kitty.
    I’d have to say, though, that she hasn’t swatted my legs in a while.

  37. Ariane

    I have a 78% chance of being slain by my cute little kitty, which doesn’t bode well considering I tested the cat that actually likes me…the other one has “issues”.

    Meanwhile there are other tests you can do through this site which are timed and one of them just happened to be “How many planets in the solar system can you name in 30 sec?”.

    I got all bar 1.
    Apparently they didn’t get the memo about Pluto.

  38. lhirner

    Very lucky to have outlived my last furballer (19 yrs when he expired in the fall) – he came in at 96% chance, and I do not doubt it!

  39. Ha ha, I tried the bear attack one… only an 8% chance of survival. I think I’ll stay out of the woods for a while.

  40. Ariane wrote :

    “Meanwhile there are other tests you can do through this site which are timed and one of them just happened to be “How many planets in the solar system can you name in 30 sec?”. I got all bar 1. Apparently they didn’t get the memo about Pluto.”

    Or the general majority of people are just ignoring the IAU absurdity because they think – or even *know* – that the IAU got it wrong in their anti-Plutonian decree which hopefully will yet be reversed so that sanityprevails and Pluto returns along with its other “ice dwarf” planetary kin. (Eris, Makemake, Haumea, Sedna, etc ..)

    Maybe they, like me, reckon the IAU can take a long walk off a short jetty when it comes to this issue. 😉

    As for my pets, they know when they’re onto a good deal! :-)

  41. Tod

    OK, Phil, I give up. I’ve searched the web and various urban dictionaries of slang and cannot find an appropriate definition for your cretin-logisim “haz.” What is a “haz’ other than part of abbreviations for hazardous materials (haz-mat) or a word in Spanish related to ‘hacer”?

    As I’ve stated here before, I love your commentary and I truly enjoy the great lessons and insights you provide, but please don’t keep trying to impress folks with idiotic internet slang (or whatever these cretin-logisms are that sprinkle your posts from time to time). They just aren’t appropriate and tend to obfuscate the actual opinion or science you’re trying to provide.

    What’s with this compulsion to do this? You’re certainly old enough and educated enough to avoid falling into some strange “internet distortion field” that mandates use of words that must appeal to a very narrow group of readers.


  42. Mena

    Tod, do a search for icanhascheezburger dot com. Does anyone else here hate, hate hate, HATE not being able to put relevant links in here without it being a major production or is that just me?

  43. Tod, just click on either the two cats picture or the word “animals” below it, at my post above, and all will be explained.


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