Some of the secondary and tertiary news sites (the kinds with "Buy your Estonian bride online!" ads) are saying that a bank in Latvia called Kontora will give people loans for up to roughly $1000. Not bad, but the catch? You have to sign over your immortal soul.
First, I think this is a bad deal for them in many cases. I know that as collateral, for example, my soul may not be worth all that much. It’s been through a lot and is no longer in mint condition — more like poor-to-fair, with some tears, and stains… and I’m pretty sure the binding is missing.
Second, um, how do they collect? I’m sure we’ve all heard of harassing phone calls and the occasional broken knee from the collection guys. I don’t see how this might work though. What kind of extraction tool would they use? A scythe? A golden trump? Beating me with a Pearly Gate?
And third: if they did try to collect, I would declare moral bankruptcy. What can they do? In my case, it’s an act of God.
Tip o’ the halo to Jamiebb.
June 29th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Well, you could take a cue from the Simpsons and claim that your wife already owns it, rendering the contract null and void.
June 29th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Phil Plait:
Perhaps they use a machine like in the film Cold Souls…?
June 29th, 2009 at 10:49 am
How do they collect? They kill you mate, remember they are evil bankers!
June 29th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Or to collect, they might use this big sword. Just check to see if they are slowly gaining demon-like features, a la Soul Caliber.
June 29th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Oh come on – all you need to collect is a couple of Proton Packs. Just remember: don’t cross the beams!
June 29th, 2009 at 11:01 am
@ TS,
According to “Neil” on the Shuttle delayed until July, LRO goes up Thursday thread, it is evil “Zionist bankers”!
June 29th, 2009 at 11:03 am
There is probably some fine print:
“We reserve the right to detach your soul from your body.”
Or that machine for The Golden Compass
June 29th, 2009 at 11:03 am
I already traded my soul for Alf pogs. Remember Alf? He’s back…in pog form.
June 29th, 2009 at 11:10 am
$1000. That’s it? That’s all my lousy soul is worth today? Back when there were only 4 billion of us, you could get $12,000 for your soul. Sometimes more. Stupid supply and demand.
June 29th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Funnily enough, Universe Today gave me a russian bride site ad a few weeks ago. True. Hopefully this doesn’t de-value their output in your eyes
June 29th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Dammit!!!! Where did I put my soul again?!?!?!?
June 29th, 2009 at 11:25 am
I don’t want $1000, I want Rock n’ Roll!
June 29th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Wow. 1% per day, if compounded daily, yields 3,777% per annum. Even 90 days yields a 243% return if not paid until the 90th day.
I think I’d take my worst credit card’s “cash advance” rate and fees over that one.
June 29th, 2009 at 11:30 am
remember what happened to the guy that signed his organ donor card in that Monty Python skit…
June 29th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Or obtain a soul from someone else
June 29th, 2009 at 11:42 am
@ Michael D.,
You mean this? — Organ Donor (WARNING: NSFW).
June 29th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I need a soul, Phil…any soul… (eyes narrow) your soul.
June 29th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
While in high school I made a joke of collecting souls. I found the best way to harvest them was to show up at a function with a case of Jolt Cola and demand souls in return for them.
The plan was to one day use those souls as currency in the afterlife so that I could have a posh place like a minor Pope might have, at least that’s what I told people.
June 29th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
So would the banker would be called a soul man.
I bet some peoples soul collection would be worth more a thousand a dollars, oh you mean that kind of soul.
June 29th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Does it have to be your personal soul? Or can it be one that you have picked up over the years? I only ask because I traded mine a long time ago but have aquired a few myself.
June 29th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
In the early 90’s, at a Usenix conference, a number of us went to dinner. During dinner, the topic of atheism and souls came up, and Dr. Rob Kolstead (of Unix fame) mentioned that he often offers atheists $100 for their soul, and none had ever taken him up on it.
I told him I would and invited him to draw up a contract. It specified that he gets my soul in exchange for $100, collectible upon my death.
It was witnessed by a number of Internet luminaries and I’m told the story still makes the rounds.
First off, I don’t believe that there is such a thing. Second, if there is, I question the ability for it to be possessed, much less collected. The contract doesn’t specify definitions for those terms. Finally, to hedge the bet, the contract does not allow for transferability of the right, so if there is an entity with the ability to collect and possess, they have no rights under the contract.
I spent the $100 on a sushi dinner the next night.
June 29th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
20. Christopher Ambler
Does it specify what happens if he predeceases you? What happens when he dies? Is it his soul that possesses your soul? If not, how does it transfer to his afterlife?
June 29th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Man in bank with one shoe on his foot and the other ruined in his hand:
“Whaddaya mean it’s not spelled S.O.L.E.?”
June 29th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
13. Ken B Says:
The loan is subject to one percent per day in interest until full repayment.
The period of full repayment is 90 days, and in case the borrower fails to return the money, the creditor gets full possession of his soul.
Wow. 1% per day, if compounded daily, yields 3,777% per annum. Even 90 days yields a 243% return if not paid until the 90th day.
I think I’d take my worst credit card’s “cash advance” rate and fees over that one.
The rates remind me of ‘payday check cashing’ services.
Second, um, how do they collect?
You see, these guys named Sam, Sox and Ben show up at your door……
(I liked that show, especially Ray Wise)
J/P=?
June 29th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Maybe they take away your ability to dance.
June 29th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
I’m surprised no one’s yet mentioned the Dementors as soul collectors.
June 29th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Maybe they take away your ability to dance.
In that case, my soul is already gone, not sure I ever had one…
June 29th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
I wonder what happens if your soul,,,bounces,,,I mean, there must be some kind of deposit insurance, right?
Maybe they’re really talking about your SOL, so if enough people sign over, they can collect our SUN? Boy, that would be a real bummer,,,and I expect the rest of the life on this planet would object to not having a say in that.
Gary 7
June 29th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Any contract should include a reincarnation clause to keep the soul from trying to get away by being reborn in another body. The contract should authorize the bankers to come after you in whatever new incarnation you find yourself. Talk about a lien.
June 29th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
“I would declare moral bankruptcy.”
You have not already.
June 29th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Did anyone read the small print.
Void if vampire, werewolf, lawyer or politician.
June 29th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
For some reason, I’m reminded of Paschal’s dilemma. If the odds that the Christians are right is a billion to one, then eternal damnation would have to be worth $1 billion to make this worth it. I don’t think it is.
June 29th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
@Mike – who’s to say that the collector would damn the soul? If I were the recipient and had the capability to collect and determine the disposition, I might be a great guy and do something nice like send the soul to the 7th plane of perpetual bliss (with chips and a large soda) or something.
Just saying.
June 29th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
assuming there is a “soul” ; no scientific evidence for it ; probably just a fantasy like “ghosts” and all that jazz.
This weekend, on Ian Punnett’s CTC radio show, he actually had a guy who “channeled” Michael Jackson , callers asked “Michael” questions, he answered, do people really believe this stuff.
June 29th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
#34, Jeff,
Oh, do tell, what did the Whacko have to say?
June 29th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
I know this is just a silly story, but it seems to me that everyone here is missing the point. In order to have a decent chance of collecting what is basically an unsecured loan (the soul of the borrower not having any intrinsic value to the banker), the borrower must put up something that is of value TO THEM. If you believe the bank will own your soul if you fail to pay, I’d think you’d try pretty hard to keep the terms of the loan. It’s actually pretty clever, although obviously it would only work in a theistic population.
June 29th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Soul? Come on, Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It’s just something they made up to scare kids, like the bogeyman, or Michael Jackson.
[Sorry, just too timely to pass up...]
June 29th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
@ Michael L,35
“I’m bad, I’m bad”
June 30th, 2009 at 4:21 am
#5 KC said: “Just remember: don’t cross the beams!”
It’s “streams”! Streams!
June 30th, 2009 at 6:45 am
Wayne:
My thoughts exactly. This has nothing to do with their ability to collect, it has to do with a payday loan scam using the religion-induced fear intrinsic in the population to insure that risky loans are repaid, even though there is nothing they can do to the person if they fail to repay the loan.
It’s actually a very clever idea, if you have an uneducated population of nitwits. Given the high interest rates of the loans, they can afford a moderate number of counter-scammers (people like us) who don’t believe in souls, and will just rip them off of their money.
June 30th, 2009 at 7:32 am
My financial advisor said to hang onto my soul in these hard times as a hedge against inflation.
June 30th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Even were it a non-religious society that had not partially rebounded back from enforced Soviet atheism, it’s a bad deal. It’s not a purchase of your soul. Your soul is held as collateral for a loan. If you don’t pay back the loan within 90 days, you are still in default with all the badness that implies for your credit rating. Combine that with the usurious interest rate and you are a fool if you take up the bank on its offer regardless of your feelings or beliefs in a religious sense. It’s a bad deal for Christians, Muslims, Buddhists and Atheists on the face of it.
July 7th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
JEFF,
>>>> 34. Jeff Says:
June 29th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
assuming there is a “soul” ; no scientific evidence for it ; probably just a fantasy like “ghosts” and all that jazz. >>>>
MOST CERTAINLY there is a “Soul,” Jeff. Most of all religions recognize such a “thing,” but religions are a rather new thing (under 5,000 years old) — Christianity itself being the actual “New Kid on Block” existing a mere 2,000 years.
Spiritual Philosphy by way of an Ancient Wisdom has reference to the Soul and this form of philosphy has roots back 40,000 years — far earlier than conventional recorded history. These can be readily validated in metal artifacts, art, and graphic depiction in carvings and architecture. MOST IMPORTANTLY, though, Jeff, is that [this ancient spirituality] is the basis, thet actually earliest format for ALL religions. Even Christianity had its earlier Christian Mysticism phase where it would have been difficult to distinguish it from today’s New Age momement.
Today still, the concept of the Soul is well explored in Eastern based religons and philosphy. Like ALL true spiritual components, such things are provable by our equivalent of Scientific Method.
That leads us to science. Science ALWAYS follows spirituality, it is never the other way around. So stick around another 1,000 years or so and you will get your proof. Just as Einstein got everyone to agree Energy converts to matter, and vice versa … he gave compelling reason that all things are energy, and nothing is ever destroyed. That is pure spirituality, and certainly the law of Reincarnation. It is as well, validation for various and successive bodies; this physical one is not the only one, there is our Astral form such as the one Michael Jackson is now using. Also one pertaining to our ego. One associated to the region religions refer to as Heaven. And eventually, there IS a Soul.
NOW, PREPARED TO BE SHOCKED MY FRIEND. The Soul can be seen, by anyone, but with a limiting factor. I have been teaching this technique to people for years. There is rationale behind the concept, and it is both repeatable, and repeatable the same way for all people. Again, such is scientific method.
NOW, scientists are on public record as saying just recently we can throw out ALL science over than 50 years old. If you are yourself old enough, you will recall this is nothing new. SO, in 50 years or less from now you can assume NOTHING you seek as scientific will hold any weight, even in that community. YET, and this is the clincher, the ancient wisdom, the basis behind all religions, all spirituality HAS NOT EVER CHANGED. (Although the dogmatic religious attachment and re-presentation does, and rather often.)
It is thoroughly illogical that you could even be here, Jeff, if there were not the very deep and sophisiticated concepts, which are provable at stages and to varying levels of consciousness. This is a very difficult course of study, and it does take decades. It is not therefore, vary likely that you would ever undertake the very proof you require, but there are those out there that have. Those who actually seek, will find the answers.
>>>> This weekend, on Ian Punnett’s CTC radio show, he actually had a guy who “channeled” Michael Jackson , callers asked “Michael” questions, he answered, do people really believe this stuff.
You betch’a Jeff. It may come as a surprise to you, but Americans have made up an almost inconspicuous amount of life in this world. Throughout this vast realm, and for tens of thousands of years there would be varingly from 60 – 99% of the [people] who would think you must be looney to ask such an obvious question. “Of course an afterlife and communication with it is believed.” YOU are the limited, currently situated in America exception.
Other realms exist out of necessity. If they were not there, you would not be here. There is both a hierarchy of space, as with time. All things pertaining to this vaster existence is interconnected and functions by a rather logical and understandable inter-connection. To communicate with another consciousness is a matter of both sensitivity and proficiency, that’s all. Otherwise, it is rather latent in everyone. This is a natural protective mechnism because people like you COULD NOT HANDLE IT if you had to percieve and understand things that you couldn’t stand on, eat, or have sex with. This lower nature is what defines us as “Man.” Spiritually recognizes us as [potentially] much more than mere man, and acknowledges that we can experience these differences if we so develop our constitution for such work.