Inspired Onion

By Phil Plait | December 22, 2009 12:04 pm

I love The Onion. It is that simple. I hope someone was eating a banana when they wrote that piece.

Sam Harris put it pretty well: the timing of when young Earth creationists claim God created the Universe, "… is, incidentally, about a thousand years after the Sumerians invented glue."

CATEGORIZED UNDER: Antiscience, Humor, Religion
MORE ABOUT: creationism

Comments (33)

  1. I had this as my facebook status for a while. Absolute Comedy GOLD. And the related articles are great as well. Reporting trilobites! :D

  2. Brilliant. ’nuff said.

  3. Isn’t it amazing that some of the best sources for good information are satire sites and shows? The Onion, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report put out more real data than some of the ‘real news’ sites and programs.

    J/P=?

  4. Minos

    Well, naturally. How was God supposed to create anything without glue? It’s remarkable he didn’t need to wait for the development of duct tape.

  5. Ahh, duct tape…like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together…

  6. hhEb09'1

    Honorable Mention: New ‘War’ Enables Mankind To Resolve Disagreements: “Many historians believe the breakthrough mediation strategy originated in the Fertile Crescent shortly after the dawn of civilization…I wouldn’t be surprised if, in a few short years, war solves the problems of mankind once and for all.”

  7. @John Paradox
    Those shows seem to be the only ones with a videotape machine too. ‘Real’ news shows seem to swallow everything anyone shows, but the Daily Show replays tape of the person saying the exact opposite.

  8. Doug Graham

    Speaking of God, they may piss people off with this one. It was on the front page of the print version in Madison this week.

    http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/some_of_mans_most_important

  9. Not surprisingly, the biblical story of the flood is thought to refer to an actual, described flood which occurred in the flat plain between the Tigris and Euphrates.

  10. kieran

    I posted this article in a forum argument with a YEC believer the other day and was accused of lying because “There can’t have been anyone around when God was creating things because the world was covered in a giant ocean”.

  11. Evil Merodach

    I imagine the Egyptians of the Sixth Dynasty would have been shocked to hear that the world had been destroyed by a global deluge in 2349 BCE (according to Ussherian chronology).

    I guess no one bothered to tell them so they had the nerve to continue on into their Seventh Dynasty. The gall of some people!

  12. Zucchi

    And here’s a 1996 article from The Onion: “New Solar System Discovered Four Feet From Earth”

    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30374

  13. Cairnos

    My personal favourite “What?!” moment tends to come when YECers say that everything in the bible must be absolutely literal and followed slavishly……ahem, except for the inconvenient bits where Jesus sets up Peter and those who come after him as the leaders to follow (i.e. the pope and the catholic church). THAT part apparently was just Our Lord tossing out some ideas, you know, kinda brainstorming…seeing what people thought…I mean it’s really a metaphor kind of thing you see… ;-)

  14. cmflyer

    Blowing up dinosaurs with bazookas would be interesting to see. I’ll have to go see Avatar instead!

  15. Yeebok

    Very funny! Thanks for the link :)

  16. Scott Smith

    eesh… What about the makers of the Clovis points? They were striding the Americas 13000+ years ago… more than double the age of the WHOLE FREAKING PLANET! I wonder what it was like with no land, or grass, or animals or fowl… just what the heck were they hunting I wonder? Maybe they were just hunting the dreams of animals? And who’s image were they created in? Stan? God’s other brother maybe?

  17. Scott, Scott, Scott….larn ye nuthin’ in Sunday school?

    Flint arrowheads are barbs from Satan’s tail, broken off when he fell from heaven, crashed through the earth, and plummeted into hell.

    Heathen.

  18. Dan

    He must’ve had a lot of tails…

    Also: I love this article so much

  19. Beelzebud

    And for good measure, let us not overlook their excellent coverage of astronomy! http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30374

    LOL I do love The Onion.

  20. Petrolonfire

    Sam Harris put it pretty well: the timing of when young Earth creationists claim God created the Universe, “… is, incidentally, about a thousand years after the Sumerians invented glue.”

    Aha! That’s what God was waiting for during that infinity of pre-creation time – the invention of glue so He could stick creation together! Can’t have a universe without glue y’know! Also explains why he created the Sumerians first and then .. uh .. everything else incl. people. Or something. ;-)

    PS. Why, yes I am drunk! How did you guess? ;-)

  21. Scott Smith

    yeah?? well what about dinosaurs? huh? or cave paintings.. yeah.. cave paintings that are 10,000+ years old? huh? huh?

  22. @ Scott:

    Puh-leeze! Dinosaurs are well documented (by 20th century modern masters) as having carried Our Lord and Savior™ on their backs. Please visit the Creation Science Museum for further information.

    As for cave paintings, well, duh! Obviously they are graffiti left behind by Satan as he plummeted down into hell. That’s why they are in caves! God-fearing people would never go into caves to paint a bunch of animals, would they? Of course not. They do their painting on church ceilings and papal palace walls, silly.

    It’s all quite simple, really: Evidence for young earth: da Bible. Evidence for old earth: satanic mischief.

    Got it?

  23. toasterhead

    9. Doug Watts Says:
    December 22nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
    Not surprisingly, the biblical story of the flood is thought to refer to an actual, described flood which occurred in the flat plain between the Tigris and Euphrates.

    ____________

    I’ve often wondered if it’s a reference to the last ice age, which the eraly Natufians would have witnessed. After a few dozen generations of passing down stories of giant glaciers covering the land, I could see how they might turn into a great flood.

  24. vel

    or the opening of the Black Sea
    or the Mediterreanan

    or it could be that floods occur on rivers, most civilizations are around rivers and golly don’t they seem as a great way for a god to destroy things with. :)

  25. Don

    Re: Clovis points

    Sumerians and Egyptians work a little better for purposes of making YEC head explode due to cities and writing surviving to this point.

  26. Scott Smith

    heh… I really can’t get my head around the whole young Earth thing. All it takes is about 5 minutes of wandering around the Nantahala Gorge in in North Carolina to figure out that 6000 years ain’t no where near enough time for the aura there. No I’m not saying i believe in auras but lets face it.. there are places on this planet that by sight, sound, smell, and whatever else let you know they’ve been there for way longer than we’ve been creating havoc… Grand Canyon anyone? Oh wait.. I know, I know, the GC is actuall where the Satan dragged his pitch fork as he fell from heaven… right?

  27. Oh wait.. I know, I know, the GC is actuall where the Satan dragged his pitch fork as he fell from heaven… right?

    Either that, or something about a big blue ox. :P

  28. Scott Smith

    Kuhnigget

    get real. there ain’t no blue ox and there ain’t no sanity clause either. hahaha. besides that blue ox thing was a river and the ox’s master was dragging his axe behind him if i recall right.. hmmmmmm.. OH MY GOD! Paul Bunyon may just be the devil himself. Look, who else would have a “blue” ox… and have the power to carve massive features into the face of the earth. hmmmmmmm…

  29. Get thee behind me, Bunyon.

  30. Scott Smith

    more evidence may be supplied with the word bunion, as well known type of foot sore that bedevils people from time to time.

  31. Actually, glue was already invented at least 100 000 yrs ago by Neandertals, if you count birch tar as glue (and why not? It attaches a stone implement to a stick, and needs to be artificially made by heating birch wood).

  32. Gary Ansorge

    ,,,and then there’s the Name of God thingy, wherein there are probably a zillion ways to (mis) pronounce THE NAME.

    One of those comes across as YaHu,,,

    Gee, Yahoo is the name of GOD???

    Gary 7

  33. 29. kuhnigget Says:

    Get thee behind me, Bunyon

    Having foot problems? ;)

    J/P=?

NEW ON DISCOVER
OPEN
CITIZEN SCIENCE
ADVERTISEMENT

Discover's Newsletter

Sign up to get the latest science news delivered weekly right to your inbox!

ADVERTISEMENT

See More

ADVERTISEMENT
Collapse bottom bar
+

Login to your Account

X
E-mail address:
Password:
Remember me
Forgot your password?
No problem. Click here to have it e-mailed to you.

Not Registered Yet?

Register now for FREE. Registration only takes a few minutes to complete. Register now »