 18 years of sadness begins |
Americans will make more phone calls this Sunday than on any other day of the year, showering their mothers with love and gratitude. A month from now, fathers will receive a similar deluge of calls and, although the calls are far more likely to be of the collect variety, the sentiment will be the same. But are phone calls, cards, flowers, and brunches really enough? Research by social psychologist Daniel Gilbert reveals that people sacrifice more than “just” money, sleep, and a social life when they have children: They sacrifice their happiness.
Today at the “Happiness and its Causes” conference in Sydney, Gilbert revealed that kids are not the cuddly bundles of sunshine many parents wish to believe. Although married people are happier than unmarried people—they live longer, earn more more money, have more sex and enjoy it more—kids can completely kill the buzz.
A couple’s happiness does rise when expecting a baby, but plummets once the baby actually pops out, spiraling downward until it bottoms out when the kids are 12 to 16 years old. Moreover, people are less happy when they are interacting with their children than when they are eating, exercising, shopping, or watching television. Happiness does not return to pre-kid levels until the kids have actually grown up and left.
According to Gilbert (who is a father), parents delude themselves into thinking their kids are sources of joy to rationalize all the sacrifices they make for them—the same cognitive bias that makes people blindly prefer the taste of expensive wines and think their Louis Vuitton dog carrier is superior to, say, a leash.
May 9th, 2008 at 12:20 am
hah! i knew it.
i’ve also seen research showing that people in their 40s/50s are more likely to be depressed. this period coincides with having teenage kids, i.e. era of peak sadness. have these studies been conducted in such a way that you can separate the effect of age vs the effect of offspring?
May 9th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
So how do you explain this woman’s happiness???
Just kidding. Did I mention her kids’ names all start with J?
May 9th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
wow. i think having kids is more rational than paying two g’s for a dog purse.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:44 am
An interesting observation but I wonder if Gilbert jumps too quickly to children as the cause of the unhappiness. Maybe it would be more appropriate to say that it is the expectations parents feel about who their children should be that is the source; or even the stress parents feel of trying to raise those children in the face of overwhelming (some would say intrusive) social and media pressures.
May 15th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Studies like this seem to indicate a predisposition. If there were correlations to other studies indicating regret of ever having children by most parents or a predominate sense of fulfillment by childless couples, it might have more weight. This study seems to measure a very thin dimension of happiness related to child-rearing. All I can say (one anecdotal experience) is that I’m thankful for my two sons (18, 15) and, though having some tough times, would readily have repeated the experience.
May 15th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Perhaps it is not so much having children, but more along the lines of having children in societies organized in a manner much different to the ones we evolved in. The mindset of many (at least Americans) is that happiness and success is gauged by tangible assets (e.g. income, size of home, vehicles etc….), and trying to raise children while also trying to maintain pre-parenthood levels of “success” are not always compatible goals. We are not satisfied sacrificing our pocketbooks in order to provide for children. Also, the (relative to our existence) recent shift from extended family units to the nuclear family also puts further stress on parents where once grandparents, uncles, and cousins and even friends/neighbors were all available to assist with child rearing. I believe removing the “delusions of joy” would be possible if parents had access to a wider network of support while at the same time adjusting the measuring stick of “wealth.”