11. President Kennedy’s death: A poison arrow-assisted homicide.
“The convergence of three independent actions, or the signature traits of a neurotoxin-assisted homicide- the emergence of neurological signs consistent with a neurotoxin-induced paralysis, the induction of a small neck wound consistent with a flechette-transported neurotoxin entry wound, and the execution of a coverup to eliminate neurotoxin evidence, supports this hypothesis.”
10. Double feature: Personalities of punks and perils of their pointy parkas.
“The purpose of this study was to provide some understanding of punk rockers. Although they have received media attention in the depiction of their unusual hair and clothing styles, there is limited information about their personalities.”
9. Finally, a male contraceptive: behold the ball cozy!
“Every 2 weeks, a physician at the Faculty of Medicine at Cairo University in Egypt examined 14 32-47 year old male volunteers wearing a polyester scrotal sling day and night for 12 months to determine if polyester fabrics can act as a contraceptive in men. They changed the sling only when it became dirty.”
8. Bad news: you have a tumor. Good news: it’s really cute!
“A 46-year-old woman had an excisional breast biopsy that revealed nonproliferative fibrocystic changes as the only histopathologic abnormality. Although it was not Easter at the time of diagnosis, an Easter bunny was found hiding in one of the dilated ducts, which also contained amorphous eosinophilic secretions.”
7. Times New Roman may be funnier than Arial, but why does Comic Sans make me want to kill myself?
“Analysis showed that satirical readings in Times New Roman were perceived as more funny and angry than those in Arial, the combination of emotional perception which is congruent with the definition of satire.”
6. Nasal leech infestation: report of seven leeches and literature review.
“In this study, we present seven nasal leeches in six patients from 1984 to 2008…The length of the leeches ranged from 2 to 12 cm with an average length of 4.6 cm.”
5. Did Gollum have schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder?
“He has no history of substance misuse, although like many young hobbits he smoked ‘pipe weed’ in adolescence.”
4. Do your balls hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?
“Anatomically, one or the other half of the scrotal sac hangs at a lower level than the other. The testes, housed within the sacs are also situated, suspended, one slightly lower than its other counterpart. While many theories on why and how of the testicular levels have been proposed, including those engendered by vascular, functional, embryological or evolutionary influences, none of the proposed scientific reasons are totally convincing.”
3. My love for you has many layers, like the onion…that I put in your va-jay-jay.
“On being informed that she had no cancer, but rather an onion, the patient shewed no signs of pleasure or of gratitude on being so quickly cured of her complaint and relieved of her anxiety. Instead she exhibited signs of anger, the reason for which was the same as had caused the presence of this unexpected vegetable in such an unusual garden.”
2. Scientific analysis of Playboy centerfolds reveals Barbie-like vulvas.
“Analysis 1 sought to describe genital appearance ideals (i.e., mons pubis and labia majora visibility, labia minora size and color, and pubic hair style) and general physique ideals (i.e., hip, waist, and bust size, height, weight, and body mass index [BMI]) across time based on 647 Playboy Magazine centerfolds published between 1953 and 2007.”
1. That’s one miraculous conception.
“The patient was a 15-year-old girl employed in a local bar. She was admitted to hospital after a knife fight involving her, a former lover and a new boyfriend. Who stabbed whom was not quite clear but all three participants in the small war were admitted with knife injuries.”
Discoblog: NCBI ROFL: Top 10 absurd papers of 2009.
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