When people have less money, they tend to do less of certain things, like buy $3,000 jackets, order the $250 omakase, and pick up diamond-encrusted lingerie for their penthouse-dwelling mistresses. They also don’t typically fork over as much cash for vacations to beaches, islands, and other ocean-bordering locales.
The good news: Since all these recession-battered folks are crouched in their living rooms watching their 401K values plummet on a laptop screen, they aren’t swimming and cavorting in waters that are also frequented by permanent residents, such as sharks. With fewer humans and sharks in physical proximity, we have fewer chances for said sharks to munch on passing surfers and snorklers. Logical? Absolutely.
Of course, all logic can be twisted and mangled with a little help from the English language. Which brings us to the following LiveScience headline: “Economic Recession Means Fewer Shark Attacks.”Ah where shall we begin…
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Last year Knut the polar bear cub got a giant marzipan cake with a wooden candle for his birthday; this year he’ll get a quiche frozen in a block of ice. The global economic crisis is hitting even the celebrity polar bear sector, including Knut, whose fluffy features and adorable antics have earned the Berlin Zoo more than $7 million in endorsments. But now nearly two, Knut has lost his cuteness, and the Berlin Zoo has announced that it is ready to sell him.
“It’s time for him to go—the sooner he gets a new home the better. Anything else would be financially irresponsible,” said Heiner Kloes, the senior bear keeper. The zoo says it cannot afford to build a new compound large enough to accommodate the now-210 kilogram and 2.5-meter-tall bear. Neither can it afford to take on a mate for him. Several zoos around the world appear eager to welcome Knut, but the winning bid is likely to come from Gelsenkirchen Zoo, also in Germany, which has spacious facilities and Lara, a three-year-old female cub.
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Yes, it’s true: The economic crisis has not only clobbered the restaurant industry, but now it’s brought at least one business to hire monkeys. CNN reports that a sake house in Tokyo has “recruited” two Japanese Macaques as waitstaff. Yes, you heard right—they’re using trained monkeys as employees.
The monkeys’ job duties—which can last no more than two hours a day to avoid violating animal rights regulations—include offering hot towels to diners, delivering change, and serving beers. While health regulations in the area are as strict as anywhere else, the monkeys have been “deemed sanitary” by health inspectors so long as they wear their (adorable) checkered kimono uniforms.
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