The Scientific Paper (Publishus orperishus) is one of the most sought-after, yet elusive, creatures on earth. Though they’re a common sight in journals around the world, many dedicate their lives to the art of tracking down these rare beasts and trying to convince them to reproduce.
Every Paper begins its life as a tiny seed, an idea, which worms itself deep into the brain of a host scientist, producing a pleasurable sensation. Ideas can appear anywhere, but certain places and environmental conditions are optimal. Coffee, sugar and alcohol are known to stimulate the germination of ideas.
The most dangerous stage in the life of a young Paper. Once the initial buzz of the germinating idea has worn off, the infected scientist may well forget all about it, and before long it will wither away. Others become buried under the bulk of older Papers – even though, given a chance, they might have ended up as a much better specimen.
This can be the most painful part of the process. The scientist suddenly finds that instead of the fully-formed Paper they dreamed of, they have on their hands a messy Experiment which requires their full-time support and care. Crying and tantrums are very common. Some scientists – especially older ones – find the whole process so taxing that they routinely put their Papers up for foster care.
By this stage the Paper is growing rapidly; tables of results start to expand, faster than anyone ever imagined. This can be exciting, but as the Paper’s owner starts to consider sending it out into the wild with all the other papers, doubts and anxieties arise. Is the Paper ready for this? Will other Papers make fun of it? Some keep their Papers cooped up indoors for years, but this is rarely conductive to their growth and maturity. Others resort to “doping” with performance-enhancing practices.
5. Peer review
In order to be accepted into the community, each juvenile must undergo the stressful and sometimes vicious ritual known as Peer Review. Breeders say that this ensures that only fit and healthy Papers can pass on their genes to future generations. However, some argue that it is all too often a random and arbitrary process which favours external plumage over true strength.
The paper is finally finished, though it rarely looks anything like anyone imagined all those years ago. Now it must interact with all the other Papers, and so the grand cycle begins anew. Every Paper-fancier’s dream is that their Paper will go on to breed and raise many offspring of its own (“citations”).