The Center for Disease Control Has a Plan for the Zombie Apocalypse

By Kyle Munkittrick | May 20, 2011 5:06 pm

Zombie stories are often about the utter failure of the government to deal with a big problem and, thanks to George Romero, also a great way to expose issues of class and social status. No one really believes they might attack one day. Zombies are a metaphor, like vampires or werewolves, for the horrifying and uncanny aspects of the human. They also remind you that, when things really hit the fan, you’re on your own. So be prepared! The Center for Disease Control does not want you to be caught unawares. In a post that walks the line between “ha ha this would never happen” and “but seriously just in case, you never know,” Ali S Kahn details the worthy forms of emergency response to hoards of the necrotic, brain-seeking undead:

  1. Identify the types of emergencies that are possible in your area. Besides a zombie apocalypse, this may include floods, tornadoes, or earthquakes. If you are unsure contact your local Red Cross chapter for more information. Family members meeting by their mailbox. You should pick two meeting places, one close to your home and one farther away
  2. Pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home…or your town evacuates because of a hurricane. Pick one place right outside your home for sudden emergencies and one place outside of your neighborhood in case you are unable to return home right away.
  3. Identify your emergency contacts. Make a list of local contacts like the police, fire department, and your local zombie response team. Also identify an out-of-state contact that you can call during an emergency to let the rest of your family know you are ok.
  4. Plan your evacuation route. When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time so that the flesh eaters don’t have a chance! This is also helpful when natural disasters strike and you have to take shelter fast.

I’m wary of the idea of meeting at the mailbox. Though I’m no expert, I have a strong suspicion that the mailbox is insufficiently fortified against the shuffling corpses invading the neighborhood. But hey, I’m not at the CDC, so I’m going to trust Kahn on this one. Maybe she keeps a shotgun (or cricket bat? Lobo?) in her mailbox. I just don’t know.

What I do know is I need to get an emergency kit like the one on the right. Because a zombie hoard is nonsense. But the Singularity might trigger a new stone age and I won’t be able to dash off to Wal-Mart for supplies. Should I be embarrassed that a small part of me hopes/expects some sort of epic disaster for the selfish reason that modern life doesn’t let me use a flashlight or flint in day-to-day routines? I mean, I just don’t have enough reasons in my life to use a kerosine lantern.

Maybe that’s how I can write off my next camping trip: research for zombie apocalypse.

For more on zombies, check out my series, the Ethics of the Undead.

Follow Kyle on his personal blog and on facebook and twitter.

Image of zombies kindly broadcasting their presence via Wikipedia

CATEGORIZED UNDER: Apocalypse, Security

Comments (11)

  1. Brian Too

    Emergency preparedness does suffer a bit from an overabundance of earnest seriousness. You’re planning for trouble, after all. Love the zombie angle to lighten things up!

    Also, the mailbox itself is the weapon. You can use the whole thing as a club, or strip off the mailbox and use the pointy end to pierce their dark undead hearts. Oops, did I just switch to the vampire apocalypse?? Underworld!

  2. lacy

    are you kidding me… not only do we have to worry about hurricans and floods..we have to worry about zombies now..thanks cdc

  3. Colin

    I’m torn between laughing this off and being seriously pissed about the waste of taxpayer money.

  4. tom hanks

    your gay colin. screw you lacy. this zombie apocalypse is going to happen its some serious f****** s*** and when it does all you darn motherf****** are gonna be eaten alive and i will tbag what is left of your bodies and then fight for my life and SURVIVE. thats how ya do it. bam. thats right. you just got told by tom hanks. F*** WAL MART.

  5. froogger

    All sound advice, but isn’t this a tad late for the rapture? Not that I recall anything about zombies from the scripture, but apparently there’s something going down tonight.

    Gawd, I love the geekness of zombie apocalypse preparedness.

  6. megan

    like people r going to believe this they wud send me to a mental institution for saying this and even though this is some what useful for people that want to just kill a shit load of zombies theres not much about in here about it i guess ill just plunge my steleto heel in to em

  7. is this really about zombbies or about the weather???

  8. Stop the herp-a-derp – The CDC was being absolutely clever with this. If only all of our uses of taxpayer money were recieved so well.

    Quick! Name the last time, before this, you went to the CDC’s site. You can’t. Name 4 people you know who only go online to check email and laugh at cats – they probably didn’t even know the CDC had a site, and the one person that did only knew there WAS a CDC because he watchs House. The world is blissfully ignorant at the people whose life work is keeping us safe. And this shows that when a wee bit of imagination added to strictly serious disaster issue preparedness, and suddenly it’s widely accepted & read. The CDC’s site crashed, there were so many hits, and there are no outbreaks. That has NEVER happened. Absolutely brilliant.

  9. Cheap Brainetics Youtube:

    The Brainetics Scam: Fact Or Fiction.Phenomonal happen whenever people want to share, usually against Sayers. Whether new products or educational experience, it does not matter, some people just find a way to make it negative. This is with the Brainetics, for learning, Mr. Mike Byster, mathematicians, teachers and volunteers to promote the situation of the new program.

    Simple, fast ansewr to why people call it Brainetics issue of fraud is also a problem, who knows? Bryster was born with an exceptional gift to pay attention to the digital mode. Some would say that his ability to solve their own head of the mathematical problem is some weird. He also succeeded in teaching his students in New Jersey and their technology transfer is very good. In the popular television news programs such as 20/20 have to show their talents and achievements of Mr. Bryster and is legal. The system is sold in Brainetics reviews talks about how the system CD-ROM for your mind, the memory system of relevant information and teaching how to promote the joy of learning. This is also the legitimate rights and interests.

  10. Heather

    I think this made emergency preparedness fun. The CDC should run the campaign around Halloween. Maybe sell a zombi theme emergency kit.

  11. shorD

    I would get really stoned. go to the nearest gunstore, walmart, sporting good store and take as many guns, han guns, shotguns, rifles, boxes of ammo, grenades. i would grab a small suv witha snow plow and steal it. then stop at the nearest liquor store and get hella lotta alchohol. next i would round up all the homies and get there cars and convoy to canada cause every 1 knows they got the best bud. and border patrol would be or can be un knowingly be a corinteen for my convoy. so we would killa couple zombies. take the plasma tvs or any useful goods thats could be useful. then we go to canadt and head over the seas to england and live happily and rich over in that mutha fucka. Wicked clowns. Whoop whoop.


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